


Off Cloud 9

by Current521



Category: The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: Angst, Canon-Compliant, Diary, F/M, Long project, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2020-01-08
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:01:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 8,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21885613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Current521/pseuds/Current521
Summary: Charlotte is given a diary in the year 2000 to fill in every year. She does so.
Relationships: Charlotte/Sam (The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals), Charlotte/Ted (The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals)
Comments: 142
Kudos: 17





	1. 2000

**Author's Note:**

> Another long thing with daily updates woo. I will put triggers on individual chapters as I go, let me know which ones you need either here or on tumblr (somewhere-thats-ethan-green) and I'll put more generic ones automatically.  
> Apparently someone in 1999 actually tried to make annual journals for the new millennium a thing, and they never caught on, but I imagine someone must've had some, and Charlotte seems like the type, and I kind of wanted to see how she ended up where she is, so this is it.

Today is my 17th birthday. I've gotten a journal from my aunt; it's a millennial thing, apparently, writing something every year. I don't know how long I can keep it up, but if it's just once a year, it's probably fine.

This year was alright. I got my proper driver's license for my last birthday, but I still don't have a car. I don't need it that much, I live close to school, but it would still be nice.

Heather and I have started looking at colleges. I don't have a lot of money, though, so I'll probably have to stay in Hatchetfield and go to the community college. It's alright. Heather says she'll stay with me, at least for the first year or two, which is nice. But she says she might move to Clyvesdale next year, her dad wants to move, and then she'll have to change schools and such. If she moves, I'm gonna ask Ma for a car next year, so I can go visit her. At least if I can use her car sometimes; the busses aren't good.

Anyway, high school is weird. I had a boyfriend for a little while, but we broke up. His name is Leo, and he was very nice, but then I saw him in a closet with Cynthia, and I didn't want to deal with that, so I told him that. Now he's dating Cynthia, of course. That's just what high school is like.

Anyway. The year is 2000, so it's a new millennium. New Year's was a lot of fun; I got to go out with Heather and some of the other girls from our class, so that was really nice. We saw some fireworks, but mostly a lot of confetti and yelling. I even got to have half a glass of champagne at midnight; Ma doesn't know, but Dad was the one who let me, so it's alright. We won't tell her.

I don't know if 1999 was that much different than 2000. It's only March, of course, but it feels much the same. I'm more stressed, but that's just because school is getting harder now that I'm a junior. Everyone talks about college and preparing us for the real world, but I don't know how much of this stuff I'll ever need. It's not like I'm gonna be a doctor or anything fancy. I don't even know what major I want in college yet.

I don't remember much from this year, really. I'll try to remember more for next year. That's gonna be my 18th birthday.


	2. 2001

I'm now 18, and I'm gonna finish high school in a few months. It's a lot, but I'm having fun with it.

Heather didn't move, and she won't. We've both applied for Hatchetfield Community College. We're both doing that university preparatory thing they have, but for me, it's mostly because I don't know what I really want to study; I probably won't go off to a fancy college, but at least I can get some classes, hopefully find out what I want.

I've started talking to Cynthia a lot. There was all that last year with her and Leo, but she's actually really nice. I've been to a few parties at her place; I don't drink, but people let me borrow their cars so that I can take them home instead. Older kids come to those parties, too; I met a guy named Sam last time. He's like 20 and at police academy, and he's very nice, we ended up talking a lot. I hope he'll be there next time.

I still don't have a car, but I guess I don't really need it. It's still annoying, just because everyone else has cars. I borrow Heather's sometimes, and Ma lets me borrow her car if we want to go shopping in Clyvesdale on the weekends, but I wish I didn't have to borrow all the time.

We went travelling last summer, not very far, just to Chicago for a few days, but it was still pretty cool. We normally just go visit my grandparents out on the other side of Clyvesdale, we don't go to the city a lot. Ma promised me we can go somewhere exciting this summer, since I'll graduate; I don't know what she means by "exciting" but oh well, it'll hopefully be fun. I'd like to go to Europe, but I know we don't have the money for that.

We stayed home for Christmas, instead of going to Grandma's, so that was nice. Aunt Mary and Aunt Maria also came. Aunt Mary has a baby now, so he was there too. I still haven't met her husband, which I think is weird, but that's her choice, I guess. The baby was kinda cute though, I guess.

I need to study so much this year. It's the end of high school, and everyone says this is nothing compared to college. I hope they're wrong; I barely have any time to myself anymore. I should be studying right now, and it's my birthday. I should be out partying, celebrating, but I'm not.

It's alright. Cynthia has another party tomorrow that I'm going to. It's gonna be so much fun.

I can't believe that next time I write in this journal, I'll be in college.


	3. 2002

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A happy chapter! Kind of

I can see last year that I mentioned meeting Sam. He's my boyfriend now; we've been dating for six months. He's just the best.

We met at Cynthia's, and initially, we just saw each other there, but after about a month, he asked for my number, and then we started meeting up in town sometimes. He would always buy me ice cream and then we'd take a walk in Oakley Park and talk. We still do that, of course, but now they're real dates. In the beginning they were just friends hanging out. He came to my graduation, and met my parents, before we even dated properly. Then I went away for the summer, and he texted me all the time, and called me in the evenings to say how much me missed me, and when I came back, he asked me out. It was a nice start to college. A lot of the freshmen girls have boyfriends, but a lot of them are far away and talk about breaking up with them. I don't ever wanna break up with Sam; I love him.

Oh yeah, we went away for the summer; Ma and Dad took me to Key West, which was pretty cool. We went swimming with dolphins and stuff, and we went to Orlando because we had to fly from there, and I didn't get to see much, but it was still cool. I missed Sam, though; we weren't even dating at that point. Then we came back in August, and he asked me out. Ma is a little worried, she says he's too old, but really, it's only two years, he only turned 21 three months ago, and I'm 19 now. She just doesn't realize that I'm an adult.

Sam is great. He has his own apartment, and I sometimes tell Ma that I’m staying the night at Cynthia’s and go to Sam’s instead. It’s nice. I used to hear everyone talk about sex and I thought it was boring, but I get it now. It’s like I want to be as close to him as possible, can never get enough. Sex is, simply put, the purest expression of love, and I love Sam, and I want him to know. Oh, and it’s fun, of course, and it feels good. I wish we could do it more, but well, we don’t have that kind of time, I think. And if we do, we also want to talk and go on dates and such. I like going on dates; it feels more special than just sitting at home all the time.


	4. 2003

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A happy one, this time. Depends on how you look at things, I suppose, but Charlotte sure is happy.

Today is my 20th, so I guess I'm officially no longer a teenager. Not that I've felt like one for a while.

Sam and I got married last month. He asked me at Christmas. It was very romantic. We live together now, too, in his apartment; it's amazing. I love coming home from college every day to see my husband. My husband. My husband Sam.

College is alright. I meet up with Heather every weekend to go over our work, which helps, but it's still not easy. I don't mind it, though.

Sam is done at the police academy, so he has a real job with HFPD. He's the one who pays rent, but we're married, so it doesn't matter.

I'm looking back over the old entries in this journal. I don't think I expected to be married, but I'm happy with it. Oh, I can talk about our wedding! It was in February, so we were indoors, but we got everything decorated with flowers. White roses, mostly, but also orchids. And I had a dress with a train and a veil and a tiara and everything, because Sam's parents paid for most of it. I never dared to imagine such a nice wedding, my own family never would have been able to afford it, but there were real diamonds in my tiara, and Sam's mother let me borrow her diamond necklace as well, which is gorgeous. And my wedding ring is real gold. Heather was my maid of honor and she was wearing a super pretty gold dress. Gold is her color. And Sam in a wedding suit was gorgeous, I love him, and it was the best day of my life. We danced at the reception, and I had champagne, even though Ma didn't like it, but it was my wedding. It was a good time.

I'll be back next year; Sam and I are going out for dinner. This has been the best year of my life, and I'm sure Sam will make every year better.


	5. 2004

I’m 21 now. I’m still in college; I’ll finish in about a year and a half, so next entry here will be the last from college. But that’s a year away.

Life is good. College is weirdly getting easier; I thought it would get harder with the years, but I guess I’m learning more stuff. It’s definitely still hard, and there’s definitely more work, but I’m starting to get it, I think. So is Heather; she’s gonna apply for university, down in Florida, of all places. I’m not; I don’t know what I’d study, and Sam wants to stay in Hatchetfield. He’s gotten a promotion, which is very fast for someone so young, and I’m very proud of him. He’s doing really good.

I’m trying to convince him to have kids, but he doesn’t want to. It’s alright; I get it. Kids take a lot of time, and he wants to be able to keep working evenings and graveyard shifts when he has to. That’s how you get promotions, he tells me, and promotions means pay raises, and pay raises means we can do more things together, like go on vacations and such.

We did go on a vacation over summer, just the two of us. We went to New York, Sam’s uncle has a cabin upstate, which we got to borrow for a week. It was really nice. We flew to New York City and spent a night there; Sam had rented us a super fancy hotel with valets and everything. It was a nice place.

Sam and I are talking about going to Europe after I graduate. I’ve always wanted to go; Paris especially. Sam said he’d take me there as a graduation present, even though it’s so far in the future. I love him so much; he’s the best husband I could have imagined.

I like to think we’ll have kids one day. Three of them, with blond hair the way Sam had when he was little, and blue eyes like mine. It’s fine that we don’t have them yet; I’m 21 now, and Sam is 23, and he’s working a lot, and I’m in college; we don’t really have time for kids now, but we have all the time in the world to wait for them.

This has been a good year; my first full year as a wife. Our anniversary was last month; Sam took me out to dinner in Clyvesdale, and he paid for everything, we even got starters and fancy desserts and everything. It was nice. I was worried he’d forget, it’s so typical of men to forget, but he didn’t, he brought me flowers in the morning and he’d made the reservation without me even having to remind him.

I know I’ve married the right man.


	6. 2005

I am now 22 and in my last semester of college. I still don’t know what to do after, but that’s alright. Sam has a good steady job, and he can provide. Hatchetfield isn’t the best place for me to find a job, but Sam really wants to stay here, and I don’t blame him. It’s gonna be fine, I’ll find something eventually, I’m sure. And as long as it’s just the two of us, well, Sam can comfortably pay our rent and keep us afloat. We can’t afford to travel much, of course, but that’s alright; I never travelled much as a child, so although I love it, it’s mostly for Sam’s sake. He used to go on vacations every year with his parents and his sister Sydney, and I think he misses it. I get it, I do, but hopefully I’ll have a job so we can go on vacation next year or the year after.

It’s been a long year. As I said, it’s my last semester of college, so I’ve had quite a lot of work over the past year, a lot of big assignments. I’m excited to be done, get on the job market; I have enough credentials to be a secretary, and if I do well in this last course I’m doing, I can potentially even get to work in human resources, so that’s a lot of fun. It’s a shame Hatchetfield is too small to reliably go job searching, but I’ll do my best.

We spent Christmas with Sam’s family this year. It was a nice time. Sydney got me a beautiful necklace, much too expensive really, and his parents got us some nice silverware and some fine china that they’d intended for our wedding, but had decided to save and give us something else instead. It was very kind of them, they’re very kind people. I couldn’t get them anything nearly as nice, but Sam said it was alright, and we split the cost of a nice watch for his dad and for a set of throw pillows for his mother. And then I bought Sam a couple of tickets for The Nutcracker at the Starlight, so we went to see that on the 26th, which was nice, and he got me a ring that kind of matches my wedding ring to wear on my right hand. It was really nice, it was a really good time.

Well, I think that’s all for this year. It’s been stressful, but not particularly eventful. Hopefully I’ll have more news next year; graduation is coming up, and if I find a job, I might start to try to convince Sam to have kids.


	7. 2006

I’ve been out of college for quite a while, but I still don’t have a job. Heather moved to Florida, most of my classmates from college have moved away as well, so there aren’t a lot of my friends left in Hatchetfield, but it’s alright. I go to the library pretty often, and I’m at the job center every once in a while, so I do talk to people there, and Sam brings friends from work over sometimes, and sometimes they bring their wives and we get to talk. It’s a good time.

I do wish I had a job, it seems sad to be so far out of college — nine months now — and still not having found one, but on the other hand, I quite enjoy being in the kitchen for Sam; I’ve spent so much time in other rooms. And it’s nice to keep the house for him in general; he always appreciates it when he comes home and I have food ready, and I think he likes that I have time for him when he’s home, since I get all the chores done during the day when he’s out. It’s nice. We’ve got our routine and our habits, and I’m happy.

Since I don’t work and there’s only so much you can do with our small apartment, I spend a lot of time at the library. It’s nice. I’ve been reading a lot lately; some romance novels, I’ve caught up on Nicholas Sparks, but I’ve also gotten very into crime dramas. Agatha Christie is a lot better than I gave her credit for in high school, and a lot of her novels are actually very interesting. I like reading a lot; I’m going to miss it once I get a job, I think, but it’s also gonna be nicer. And Sam will be happy; he won’t have to work nearly as much, so we’ll have more time together.

Because Sam does work a lot. Too much, in fact. I know he has to because he has to pay rent all by himself, and I really wish I could help him, but I just can’t seem to find a job. And I know he has to pick up odd shifts because that makes him look reliable, which makes him more likely to get a promotion. He’s in the running for one again, which is very exciting.

He does still make time for me, of course. Last month was our third anniversary, so we went out for dinner again. Just to Lakeside Mall to a small restaurant, nothing fancy, but it was still nice; we don’t go out much anymore. Not in a bad way, it’s just that when we do have the night together, we’d rather stay at home. We watch movies sometimes, and do cuddle nights where we just stay in and nothing is allowed to interrupt us, not even when Sam’s mom called us one time; he hung up on her. I don’t know if I’d do that to my parents, but I appreciated him taking the time for me instead.

Life is good. Hopefully by this time next year I’ll have found a job; it’s too much for Sam to keep us up all by himself. But other than that, it’s good, and we’re still happy together.


	8. 2007

It is now my 24th birthday, and I still don’t have a job. Sam is getting stressed, I can tell, and I wish there was something I could do to help him. He got passed over for a big promotion, which would’ve gotten us some more money and better benefits, so I know he’s upset about that. I think he feels like he failed, which isn’t true at all, and I’ve told him that. He says he wishes he could do better for me, but the truth is, he’s doing everything he can, and I’m the one who needs to do better; I'm the one who still doesn’t have a job.

Sam came with me to see my parents over Christmas, which was nice. I don’t think my mother likes him very much, but he was nice to her anyway, because he’s just like that; he would never do anything that might upset me, and if that means putting up with my mom, he will. Even when he’s very stressed and technically on call from the police, even over Christmas. I know someone has to be, just in case, but I can’t believe they make such young people do it, especially when they know they’re spending Christmas with family. They didn’t tell him that he had to be on call until a few days before, either, so it’s not like he could cancel our plans. Fortunately, he didn’t get called out, but I know it still stressed him to have to keep his pager on while we were trying to have a nice Christmas.

Anyway, enough about Christmas. This past year, Sam has finally started taking some time off. We went away for a week over the summer; it was his birthday present from his parents, so that was very nice of them. We went to Georgia, to a cottage in the mountains. It must’ve been an expensive trip, but I know Sam’s family has money, and Sam really appreciated it. He was so happy that entire week, and not at all stressed. It’s the happiest he’s been for a while, and I wish there was something I could do to make him be that happy all the time.

Hopefully I’ll get a job soon and he won’t be nearly as stressed, and we can go on vacation again, for our own money this time, and we’ll be happy. Happier; we are happy. I’m happy with Sam, I just wish I could make things better for him.


	9. 2008

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our girl is happy!!

I have a job now. I don’t make money, I volunteer for a youth group, but it’s nice to get out of the house sometimes. And the kids are so nice, I’m there to teach household skills and such, and they’re all very good kids and very attentive learners, so it feels more like I’m helping them cook than actually teaching them anything. It’s a good time. And there are some other women working there, Rachel and Ashleigh, who I sometimes go for coffee with after we’ve finished with the kids, which is nice.

I do wish I had a real job, but the youth group does still let me save money, since I eat there for lunch on weekdays and don’t have to buy food to make. It’s better than nothing. And Rachel and Ashleigh know Sam and I are in a tough spot financially, so they usually spot me for coffee. Rachel’s birthday is next week, so I think I’m gonna try to get her a nice present, as a thank you. They’ve been really kind to me, and it’s nice to have some friends.

I’m trying to convince Sam to move closer to Clyvesdale, since I think it would be easier for me to find a job there. He doesn’t really want to, and I understand; I don’t want to move either, it’s a nice apartment, and he’s got a good job, and I quite like Hatchetfield, so I understand. I just wish I could help him out more, he’s so stressed.

We decided to have Christmas alone, just the two of us. I think that was good; we needed some time to ourselves. And Sam wasn’t on call this year, so we turned off our phones and unplugged the landline and just spent the entire day together. I was so happy that day, I’ll never forget it; it was the best day since our wedding day. Our wedding day will, of course, always be the best day of my life, because my Sam will always be the best thing in my life.

I really want to do something nice for Sam soon, maybe over the summer, but I really don’t know what. If I find a job, I might save some of my paycheck so that I can take him out, but until I do, I just need to think of something we can do from home. I’m sure we can find something.

Things are looking up. The youth group doesn’t pay, but I really love the work I do, and it’s something that looks good on my resume, which is always good for job searching. I also think Sam is doing better; he was so stressed last year, what with the promotion he missed, so I think this year has been a little slower and a little better for him. I hope so at least. I just want him to be happy.


	10. 2009

It’s my 26th birthday today, so Sam and I are going out for dinner tonight. We haven’t been out in a while; not even for our anniversary last month. I don’t think we forgot, it’s just been a busy time, but it’s alright. At least he didn’t forget my birthday, and neither did I.

I’ve quit the youth group, back in October. Not because I have a job, Sam just thought I spent too much time on it, so I decided to quit. He was right; I was gone almost as much as he was, spending more time out than at home, between working there, and being out with Rachel and Ashleigh. I started coming over to Ashleigh’s for dinner at least once a week, and it just became a lot for us. I still keep a little bit in contact with Rachel and Ashleigh, but I don’t see them nearly as often, but it means that I see Sam more, so that’s nice.

I am a little concerned about what will happen once I get a job and will have to be out of the house more, but I’m sure it’ll be fine. After all, me working will probably mean that Sam can work less, what with him not having to pay all the rent, so that’s gonna be good. He’ll understand, I’m sure.

We did Christmas at our house again. Sydney came over with her son, Norman, who is three now, so that was fun, but they only came for Christmas morning, so Sam and I got some time alone, too, which was quite nice. I’ve missed him this past year; we don’t have much time together anymore, which is sad. I suppose that’s just what marriage is, but I still miss him. He’s a good man, he just gets stressed out about work, and then he works more. I do love him, though, of course I do.

He took a week off over the summer, and we just stayed home together. It was a good time. He was still on call, but we got lucky, and he didn’t get called out at all, so we got to just be together for a week. It was a really good time.

I hope I get a job soon so we can settle into a new routine. But for now, I’m quite satisfied just being a housewife to my Sam.


	11. 2010

I really need to find a job. I’ve been trying a lot harder this past year, but nothing’s come through, it’s ridiculous. I’m now 27 and I haven’t had a job since college. I know I haven’t been looking as hard as I could have, but still, I really need to.

Sam’s been more stressed lately. He’s drinking too much, and I’m not a big fan of him when he’s drunk. He tends to yell. I think he just doesn’t think about how loud he gets, but he’s very loud, and although he’s usually just complaining, sometimes he makes threats. He never follows up, of course, and he’s apologized, so it’s just the stress and the alcohol, but I still don’t like it. He’s promised to try to be better, so it’s gonna be okay. It’s just a stressful time for him, and as soon as I get a job, he can relax more. We’ll be fine.

I can’t believe I’ve actually managed to write this journal for ten years. It’s nice; it’s good to check in with life every once in a while. And it’s fun to look back; when Sam and I first met, our wedding, everything that has happened. I’m almost inspired to contact Rachel and Ashleigh again; I haven’t talked to them in several months now, we lost contact after I quit the youth group, but they were good friends, and it would be nice to see them. I don’t have many friends; I’m content with my Sam, I don’t need them, and Heather and I still talk even though she still lives in Florida, but I only see her when she comes up to visit her parents. Sam is enough for me, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be nice to see Rachel and Ashleigh again. Especially now that Sam is having a hard time, it might be nice to have someone to ask for advice.

All things considered, it’s a good life. I know Sam isn’t what he could be, but I love him so much, and I know he’s doing his best, and I know he loves me too. I just wish there was something I could do to help him, to make him feel better. I’d do anything for my Sam.


	12. 2011

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are looking up for our girl Charlotte

I have a job interview coming up! Finally. I really hope I get it, it’s been so long. It’s with CCRP Technical, which is not the kind of company I want to work for, but that’s alright. It’s a job, as a secretary for their data analysis department. It would be good for us.

Sam is still stressed, and he still drinks too much. I’m starting to get concerned, but he just tells me not to worry about it. He’s fine, he says, it’s just to take the edge off after work. He’s a loud drunk, and sometimes he threatens, but he never follows through, and he always apologizes immediately, even when he’s still drunk, so it’s alright. We’ll be fine.

He’s gotten a promotion again, and I’m very proud of him. He got passed over a few years ago, but now he’s gotten one, and it’s very nice. It pays better, but he also has to work more, which we weren’t prepared for. It’s stressful, but we’ll manage. We’ve managed so far.

Sydney is pregnant again, another boy, which is exciting. I still want kids, and Sam still doesn’t, so it’s nice to have nephews. I watch Norman sometimes, so that’s quite nice. Now that Sydney is gonna stay home for a while, it’ll probably be a while, but I might come by and help out if I’m still not working.

We haven’t travelled in quite a few years now, and I think it’s wearing on Sam. We invited his parents over for Christmas, and I think he hoped they’d give us another vacation, but they didn’t. He misses travelling so much, and I really wish I could give him the opportunity, but I just can’t. I hope I get the job I’m interviewing for; it would make things much easier for us in the long run, even if I think Sam is going to miss me being there when he comes home. I just hope we’ll still make it work, but of course we will. We always make it work.

I love Sam. I wish he didn’t drink as much, and I wish he didn’t yell as much, but I love him. He’s a good person, and he does everything just to provide for me. He’s the best husband I could ever ask for, and I wish I could do something to make him feel better. Hopefully it’ll be better once I have a job; that way we will have more money, which means he doesn’t have to stress as much about making payments and such, and he won’t have to pick up extra shifts at work, so we can see each other more. Everything’s gonna work out, I’m sure of it.


	13. 2012

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our girl has a job now!

I’ve been working at CCRP Technical for ten months now. It’s a good job, and I actually really enjoy it. My colleagues are quite nice; Bill and Paul tend to keep to themselves, but they do ask me to join them for coffee sometimes, and Melissa eats lunch with me quite often. It’s a good job, and I’m proud of the work I’m doing.

Sam is less stressed about work, because he can work less, but he’s not less stressed in general. I try to be home before him so that I can make dinner and tidy up before he gets home, but I can’t always manage, and I don’t think he likes me being gone so much. It’s alright; I understand. I wish we could spend more time together, too. But it’s a good job, and we have more money now, which means that we can go travelling. I’m planning for us to go out for a week during the summer; I’ve been looking at our budget, and we can’t go far, but we can go. It’s gonna be good for Sam.

He still drinks too much, and I’m beginning to suspect that it’s becoming a real problem, but he doesn’t want to talk about it other than apologising. And I get it, I do, it’s stressful for him to suddenly have to deal with stuff at home when I’ve been doing that for him for nine years now. It’s different, but we’ll make it work eventually. I just wish he’d stop drinking, or at least stop yelling when he’s drunk.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Sam, of course I do. And now that I have a job too, hopefully by next year, I’ll convince him to try to have kids again. When everything’s settled down. It would be lovely. I think three kids are too many this late, but just one or two would be nice. Sydney doesn’t let me watch Norman and Jeremy as much anymore, so I really miss having kids around the house.

They did come by for Christmas, which was nice. Jeremy is too young, of course, just nine months now, but Norman really loves Christmas, and he helped me decorate the tree, which was nice. I hope Sam agrees to have kids eventually.

He’ll get better. He’s gonna stop yelling and stop drinking and start having sex again, and he’s gonna be better, just as soon as I figure out how to help him. As soon as I figure out how to be better for him. We’ll both be better.


	14. 2013

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our poor girl. Early update today because I'm travelling, hopefully early update tomorrow if I'm awake

Our tenth anniversary was last month. Sam forgot about it. He came home late, and was drunk, and he yelled at me about food and about being up late and about just being. It was the first time I’ve felt like he might follow through on his threats, and it’s the first time he didn’t immediately apologize. He did eventually, but not immediately.

I think Sam is cheating on me. That night, when he came home late and had forgotten our anniversary, that night I had to handwash his shirt because we didn’t have time to run a load of laundry and it was his last work shirt, and well. There was lipstick on the collar of it, just a little bit, and I don’t own that shade. It was rosy, much too bright for me, and I’ve never owned anything like it. It could be a coincidence, I suppose, him hugging one of his female colleagues, but… He’s been coming home late a lot lately, and I know it isn’t always because he’s working. And most of the time he’s drunk, but sometimes he isn’t, and he’s coming home late even if I know he’s not working and he’s completely sober and he seems a lot nicer on those nights. I guess I’m not enough for him. I just wish he’d realized before. Or maybe he’s always been cheating and has just gotten careless, but no, Sam is a good man, he wouldn’t have married me if I wasn’t enough. I was enough, and I managed to be enough for a decade, I can be again. I just need to figure out how to be better.

But even then, I know he still loves me. The day after our anniversary, when he woke up, he apologized for yelling and for forgetting. I really think he meant it, too, but I was still a little out of sorts with him when I went to work. But he was there when I came home, and he’d bought me flowers and even tidied up the living room, and he took me out to dinner, and it was lovely. He was a perfect gentleman the entire time, it was a fancy restaurant in Clyvesdale, and the date didn’t stop when we came home; I think it’s the best sex we’ve had since our wedding night.

He loves me, he really does, I just need to be better. I’ll be better next year. I didn’t manage to get enough money together for travelling this past summer because we suddenly had to get our boiler fixed, but I definitely will try to do so for next year. Maybe that will be enough.


	15. 2014

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He's here

I’m not enough. Sam is still seeing someone else, I still find her lipstick, so I’m still not enough. I can smell her perfume on him sometimes, too. He doesn’t even shower after being with her, so I sleep next to him, and I can smell her on him.

It’s alright. I work more now, and he doesn’t seem to care as much. Bill and Paul and Melissa are all nice people, but we don’t see each other often outside of work, so I won’t call them friends. Same for Ted; he’s new, started in January, and he’s very nice. Fresh out of grad school by the looks of it, can’t be more than 25. He’s always nice to me; he sometimes seems to be hitting on me, and sometimes he explicitly says so, but I blow him off, of course. I’m a married woman, and I love my Sam, I don’t want anyone else, don’t need anyone else. But sometimes Ted will bring me coffee from the machine, just the way I like it, and he’ll stop at my desk to chat for a bit, and it’s nice. He’s nice. It’s hardly cheating, but I still feel guilty about it, because I haven’t told Sam, and I don’t think I will. I’m scared of how he’ll react, because I’m still trying to be enough. That makes me feel guilty about it. I think it’s because I’ve missed that kind of attention, and Sam is the one who’s supposed to give me that. And Sam is the one I want it from, of course he is, I love him, he’s my husband. But right now, he’s not interested in giving it to me, and until I can make him, no one can blame me for taking that attention from Ted, right? It’s not cheating, it’s just letting someone make you coffee and talk. I’m not even flirting with him, and I know Sam is doing a lot more than flirting.

It still makes me feel guilty, because Sam still has days where he clearly loves me more. We went out for our anniversary this year, properly out, to the restaurant in Clyvesdale we also went to for our first anniversary. And we did go on vacation this summer, a whole week out West, in Nevada, it was really nice. It’s the most consistent attention I’ve had from him in about two years, and it really made me think we can make it work again. Of course we can. Of course. I love him and he loves me, and it will all work out.


	16. 2015

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Charlotte is baby and I want to protect her, but I must cause her pain.  
> TW for mild violence, not at all explicit, but as you probably figured by now, it's spousal abuse and a lot of making excuses for it, so if that sort of thing makes you uncomfortable, maybe give this chapter a pass

Sam still drinks, I think. I don’t notice it as much anymore, but back in December, we both came home late, and I hadn’t mentioned to him that I’d also be home late, and he was mad about it. So mad, in fact, that he hit me. Just a slap, didn’t even leave a bruise, and he apologized immediately and I think he genuinely regretted it, but… I don’t remember him smelling of alcohol that day. But he must’ve been drunk, he must have, otherwise he wouldn’t hit me.

I told Ted about it. He’s still flirting, but we’ve become pretty good friends, and he happened to invite me round for coffee the day after the whole thing with Sam happened, and it’s not cheating to go to his place for coffee. So we were talking, and we talked about Sam, and I told him what had happened. He told me to leave Sam, but I love him. This was just a one-time thing, he was just stressed out about the holidays, and you know, I was right, it hasn’t happened since. Ted still tells me to leave him every few days, but I’ve told him to drop it now. It’s none of his business. He hasn’t talked about it in two weeks now, so maybe he got the hint. It’s nice, though, he’s a good friend, and it’s nice to have someone who seems to care.

Not that Sam doesn’t care, of course he does, it’s just harder for him to show it. But he loves me, I can tell, and I love him too, and that’s enough. We’ll make it work, I’m sure of it.

He’s home more than he used to be, which is quite nice, and we spend more time together. I can still smell her perfume sometimes, though, and I still notice lipstick on his collar. I’ve considered leaving my own lipstick, see what she says, but she probably knows about me. He wears his wedding ring, after all, and I know it’s a bit too tight now for him to get it off, so why wouldn’t she know.

We’re just going through a rough patch. I’m sure every marriage has rough patches, and many of them work out. I’ve started talking about kids again, and Sam doesn’t seem as opposed to it as he has been in the past, so I definitely see that as a positive. He wants a family with me, he wants to make this work, and so do I. We love each other, and that’s enough. It has to be.


	17. 2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our girl deserves better. Slight TW for spousal abuse in this chapter as well, but we're also getting to a "not totally miserable" point, so that's good, that's nice.

I’m getting worried about Sam. He doesn’t work as much as he used to, but he still comes home late. Half the time he’s drunk, half the time he’s been with her.

I love Sam, I do, and I wish things weren’t like this. But they are, for now, and we'll work on it, but it's only reasonable to make me put up with so much.

I've been at Ted's for coffee quite a few times since that first time last December. He kissed me once, back in August, and I didn't talk to him for two weeks because I love Sam, I do, and I want to make things work with him, but I also couldn't stop thinking about that kiss. Sam kisses me a lot, all the time, but it feels almost perfunctory at times, and when Ted kissed me, it was anything but that. So I started talking to him again, and I explained to him that I love Sam and that I don't want anyone else, but I didn't stop him when he kissed me again. I've never enjoyed sex with anyone but Sam, but with Ted, it was good. He wanted it, and he wanted it with  _ me _ , which I think is something I've been missing from Sam. And I told myself it would only be that one time, but… It hasn't been, it's been many times. And I don't love Ted, I love Sam, but well. He makes me feel better for a little while, and I need that.

I'm less mad at Sam about her than I have been. It's because of Ted, because I'm just as bad now. Well, I don't drink as much as he does, though I do probably drink too much, and I don't yell, which he still does. He also still apologizes. But it's not enough. He gets violent sometimes; it doesn't happen all that often, but it's getting worse, he's hit me more. Enough to leave bruises, but only Ted knows about it. Because when I tell Ted that Sam hits me, he doesn't tell me to leave him anymore. He just kisses me and tells me nonsense, like that he thinks I'm beautiful. I don't know if he means it or if he just thinks it'll make me more likely to have sex with him, but I appreciate it nonetheless.

I'm thinking of making Sam go to counseling. We still love each other, I'm sure of it, and we can make things work. We still have our good moments, our real, lovely moments, and I want to save those. We can make it work, we have to. We just might need a little help.


	18. 2017

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *avengers voice* we're in the endgame now

It’s been another year. I’m 34 now, and it finally feels like my life is in a routine. Sam and I love each other, and there is nothing I love more than coming home to him on a good day. Not that there are many of those; he’s still drunk too often, and he still smells like her when he comes home, and there’s lipstick on his shirt, and I genuinely don’t think he realizes that I know. He doesn’t put a lot of work into our marriage anymore, and I wish he did.

Maybe I just need to put in more work, too. I do think I put in more work than Sam, but I always have, and I still see Ted too often. He puts more work into maintaining a relationship with me— even if that’s not what we have, exactly — and it’s nice. He makes me feel wanted, and I can’t say I haven’t missed having sex.

It’s been years, I feel, since Sam and I have had sex. Maybe that’s the problem, but we both have sex with other people it seems, so I don’t know. I hope that’s the problem. I love Sam, I do, and I want to make things work. And he does too, he loves me, but he’s drunk and aggressive and with her, and it’s not enough.

We don’t go on vacations anymore, either. I thought maybe that would help, a few years ago, but it really didn’t. It almost made things worse, because we would have a week of perfect, and then nothing. Nothing had changed, nothing was better.

I did have a week off over the summer, but Sam was working the entire time, and well. Ted wasn’t. And I know I shouldn’t see him, I know it makes me a bad wife, I don’t even love him, but he makes me feel so much better, and he’s alright with putting up with me, even when I have bad days. So I keep coming back to him, even though I know I shouldn’t.

I love Sam, I do, and I want to make things work with him. Maybe I shouldn’t, but I do. And he loves me too, I know it, I know. If I can just find out how to make this work, we can be happy again, together, without Ted, and without her. Just me and my Sam, happy forever.


	19. 2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last one

I talked to Sam about counseling last fall, and he agreed to go. It’s been four months now, and I think it’s working pretty well. We’re having sex again, not as much as we used to, but we are. And we’re home more, and we talk more. It’s not perfect yet, but it’s getting there.

He still hits me sometimes, and I really don’t think he’s drunk every time. I haven’t told the counselor that, I actually haven’t told anyone but Ted. He tells me to leave Sam, and sometimes I wish he was right, but well. I love Sam. And he loves me too, I know it, deep down, he still loves me. So we’ll make it work, and I won’t leave him. But it’s hard, and sometimes I wish I just could leave him.

It’s getting better, it really is. But he still comes home smelling like her too often, so Ted still comes over when he isn’t home. I know cheating on him too isn’t a solution to anything, but Ted is sometimes the only person who can make me feel better, so it works.

I’m hoping counseling is gonna work out. I think it will, eventually; I just need to give it time. We love each other, and maybe we shouldn’t, maybe I shouldn’t love him, but I do. It’s gonna work eventually, we’ll be alright. I know it.

We’ll be alright and it will be me and my Sam. We’ve made it this far, after all; been married 15 years now. We went out for our anniversary last month, which was nice, we had a good time. The same place in Clyvesdale that we went for our first anniversary, and I think Sam put actual thought into it, because he also brought me flowers, and he was the one who suggested the restaurant, even if I had to make the reservation. We'll make it, I know we will, it just takes work, and I'm willing to put it in. Lately it seems like Sam is too. But we're both still cheating, so I don't know how much work we're actually putting in. We'll see.

I love him. He loves me too. We'll make it work. Hopefully next year I can say that we're happy, and that she's gone — whoever she is — and that Ted is just a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed that! It was a wild ride.
> 
> The "canon compliant" tag should tell you why she stopped writing after 2018....


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